Saturday, April 11, 2015

Loss x Four = Growth

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Marti . Lord today we lift Marti up to you. I ask that you keep her safe and that her life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Marti hearing that small still voice and offering me a Word from our  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.

 OK, so Marti suggested Psalm 42:11
Why are you so downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me ?  Put your hope in God, For I will yet praise him, my savior and my God.  Psalm 42:11

Tracy Translation and Breakdown provided with wisdom from my good old Webster's dictionary. 

downcast: sad, discouraged, dejected

disturbed- agitated, confused, interrupted, made anxious

praise- glorify, commend, approve, to laud the glory of in song

Savior- a person who saves, Jesus Christ

I was sad from the loss of two babies. I was feeling dejected about an adoption that was self imploding. I was discouraged with my inability to "hold" it together for that entire time and the months leading up to it. I felt like life had been interrupted.

 My Dad committed suicide yet the world kept turning, dinners had to be cooked and laundry piled up to be washed. I was agitated by my inability to let go, move on or even grieve in a healthy manner. 

Confused by my lack of emotion, many pushed away or stood back in the shadows not knowing what to do for me. Yet God was there waiting for me to push into him. 

My life was chaos and the unpredictability of our adoptive child left me anxious. The violence and trauma she created was too much. Anxiety trapped me in my own head. the enemy had control. 

In turn I would open my Bible and skim the words. I would mumble along in church making feeble attempts to praise God when only choked back sobs could escape my vocal chords. In a time meant to commend God for His blessings, I was not even able to lip sync. 

Alas, Jesus is my savior. He knows exactly what I need when I need it. He allowed me to push far back away. But in turn he held me even closer. He surrounded me with friends and family that allowed me to see through the darkness and I was able to visualize hope. 

For that I am eternally grateful. Thank you Jesus. 


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