Thursday, October 29, 2015

Excuse me....how do you get to Normal from here?

It seems that our family has never just been in the normal range. There always seems to be something going haywire. But I have noted over my last 4 1/2 decades of living that neither is anyone's family ....normal that is.



What is normal.

pinterest? heavens no.

Straight A students with crest white smiles? negative

Mom's with make up just right and clothing from this decade? Never

Normal is a house that is a home. Hairballs in the corner. Rings around the tub from dirty tired children that played outside all day.

Normal is one sock that never gets matched but we don't give up hope and keep it around. Normal is sand in your trunk that you never got around to vacuuming out from two summers ago.

Normal is the ring of the doorbell and the crash of bikes hitting the driveway as friends arrive at the exact moment you sit down to eat....the kids can play in a bit.

Normal is an empty guinea pig water bottle and a dryer that cut off hours ago and a sink full of dishes.


Dear Fly Lady: kiss my butt. I will not be subscribing to your jibberish anymore. you are way too OCD for me. please. clean the toilet EVERY day. maybe when my kids are gone and their kids are not over visiting or I am not out busy spending their inheritance.

Normal is can we meet for coffee? and a quick email of no. busy today with Mom's group. How about tomorrow? nope therapy. and by the way THERAPY IS NORMAL. heck I even do check-ins on fb from my therapists office. It's way more healthier to chat about your problems than to eat them....or stuff them....or worse. take them out on your loved ones.

Normal is caller ID being a GIFT from GOD. thank you Ma Bell for that one!

Normal is embezzling from the grocery fund to buy dog food. ugh. but hey, payday is tomorrow.

Normal is a Mom with two twenty four year old kids. One eight year old and then one 15 year old who is from a hard place and can't live with us right now.

You see for  a while there I got caught up in the why can't we be normal game....I have spent half my life trying with all my being to be NOT NORMAL....and it turns out. we are normal.

Normal is loving God. Normal is loving others. Normal is loving me. a lot more than I have been for the past few years. Loving someone from a hard place is overwhelming, exhausting and hard. Being the daughter of an alcoholic I am a bit of a perfectionist....it's time to let loose threads lie where they are. Let the dirt sit on the floor. Cook a microwave meal. Skip the Load of laundry. Sit with God instead.

Time to dig into the word. Love Tracy and well. just be normal.


so you go. you try it. maybe even leave me a comment and tell me what your normal is. I am sure your normal fits you quite well.

have a great one....till next time.

Friday, October 23, 2015

to do the IMPOSSIBLE....by making it possible

dear daughter,
yes you. the one who does not want to be my daughter anymore. I get it. I truly do. The neglect and the abuse you were raised in . . . well they make this easy for you. It's easy for you not to trust me and Dad with making decisions for you. It's easy for you to not trust that we love you or care for you or would give our lives for you.
 
 


What is not easy for you is to understand just how much we do love you. We love you enough to let you go. We hear your voice loud and clear. I have scars to prove that I have heard your rage. But the Father has asked me to write this letter of forgiveness. I am slam sold out to Jesus and when he asks ...I say Yes Lord.  So here goes.


I forgive you. I forgive you for biting me, slapping me, scratching me, hitting me, saying false statements about me and most of all I forgive you for yelling awful things at your little sister.

I forgive you  and still love you just as the Father loves you. I will pray for you until the day I die. I know that you are in there. I have seen the real you. However I have also seen many other "faces" of you and those are the ones that I can't live with. So I get it. You want out. A new start. A new family . But our hurts from childhood tend to come back around...just like the seasons.
We forgive you. You are our family. We love you. I hope you find a comfortable place to land. A safe place where you can become the you that God has made you. A place to grow and love yourself. A place where you will be loved just as Jesus loves you.

Radical acceptance of yourself is what God wants from you. Radical love for you is what God demanded from Dad and myself. So in an extreme act of Radical love, we will let you go. We will step back into the shadows and pray for you with all our might. We know God has you right in his hands. Now it is time to step back and watch the miracle happen. That is what loving like Jesus is all about.
I forgive you. We forgive you. We love you.
always.
Mom and Dad

Sunday, August 16, 2015

I'm Not Pregnant. I am just fat.

I can't remember the last time I blogged. My heart was ripped open yesterday by one simple question. So perhaps this will be a rant of sorts which is NOT my style but I need to let it out.
I sat down this morning and painted it out but I am still reeling so here goes.

I am fat. This is self inflicted due to comfort eating and lack of exercise mixed with coming very near my middle age of 45 and grief.
Now just typing that made me absolutely exhausted.
Clothes. too tight. Underwear. forget them fitting. Budget for new clothing. non existent. so I thrift store for skirts. Thighs stick together: wear cut off leggings. Dressing comfortably not for the public . But for me. Just about to feel comfortable with who I am and then a person sidles up to me and asks THE question. when is the due date.
due date? for what? oooooooooooooooooo I get it. just because I am wearing a blouse that does not show every detail of my torso and my skirt is below my ankles I must be with child? Dear me. how do you even answer that mess? I said; I am not pregnant. The great oh shit look covers the persons face.
Now women. come ON. if you have not gotten a baby shower invite. a blessed announcement and you are not my OBGYN do NOT take it upon yourselves to assume . ASSUME that I am pregnant.

you suck. that is all. thanks for coming back later and saying...sorry if I insulted you. My smile was fake. I was dying inside. In this world where I don't even feel politically correct calling my own damn self fat well. geez. thanks for the apology. my entire world just feel apart and I really accept your insolent apology. whatever. carry on.

seriously if you are a woman reading this NEVER EVER ask your friend if she is pregnant. I personally will throat punch the next chick that asks me. Consider the public warned.

Over the last 2 years I have lost my Dad to suicide. Two unborn children to miscarriage and now we are suffering a disruption of adoption of epic proportions. To say I am a woman on edge is well....I am. a big fat mess of emotions. Perhaps being on the front lines of welcoming others to church is not my forte' right now. perhaps stuffing envelopes is more up my alley. Alphabetizing something . For the love of GOD. Is anyone on this train with me. It's lonely sitting here being an audience of one.

Can I get an Amen for pushing back on the face of mankind for a moment. I am having A moment. I deserve to have  A moment. I pray to my God above that this Moment will pass. But damn. It is hanging out like a boy who does not get the message. shoo....get going. Perhaps this moment is like that cat you feed on your front porch. It won't budge. keeps coming back for more. getting fatter and fatter until an uneducated comment pops THE moment and it goes FLYING all over the room like a helium balloon.....eventually deflating and coming to a rest in The Corner.

I am not dwelling on the past. It just keeps flooding me tsunami style over and over at random times. Grief is like a drive by shooting. Random. Or like the waves that batter you over and over until you get just past them...only to have to return and go back through them to get back to the safety of the beach. Gasping for air and muscles burning.

Hate , anger it all rolls in and out like the tide. Sadness , fear , love...all a flood of emotions with no rhyme or reason set off by a word, a question or a well. . . by nothing. Nothing at all. simply set off by a moment of silence.

So as I sit here and grieve. let me. just sit. and please ladies. stop asking stupid questions. thank you. for the sake of all womankind. let's not do each other in. OK?

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Calling OUT ...All God's Children

Back in February I was weary and broken hearted after my second miscarriage and the impending disruption of our domestic adoption. I asked my friends to give me their go to verse when on the down and outs....here is one such verse from my dear friend Geri.

Lord, I thank you for Geri and for the verse she gave to me. Psalm 148:15

The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.

The Lord is near, to who? good and perfect Christians?
NO to all who call on Him.
ALL.
Simply speaking HIS name- He is there.

Crying out in Pain- HE is there.

Silent gasping sobs- HE is there.

Joyful laughter- He is there.

A whisper for Help- He is THERE.

To all who call on him in truth!

All, Everyone. you, me the guy on the bus, your boss, the homeless guy at the intersection, the lady that you cut off today in traffic, the mean girl at school, the child surviving abuse, me at the bottom of a bottle, my friend with her crack pipe in her shaking hand, my Dad with a gun to his head, the jogger on the side of the road.

All CAN call on the Lord.

IN TRUTH.

All of us are GOD'S children.


And ALL of us need to start treating everyone else like they are GOD's Children.

Everyday.

Not just on Sunday.

amen.

Friday, April 24, 2015

I left...but He never left me.

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Geri . Lord today we lift Geri  up to you. I ask that you keep her sweet family safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Geri hearing that small still voice and offering me me a  scripture from you  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.


 OK, so Geri suggested Matthew 28:20

And teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age.

Teaching to obey everything. Life's trials do just that either you are listening and learning or you are ignoring God's promises and getting LOST.

When I entered my "dark period" not as an "artiste" but as a broken hearted Momma, I had forgotten to simply follow the law of the Lord.

This verse says: Surely I am with you always. That meant even as I hid from God and pushed and kicked like a tantruming child he was there.

There when I sat on the end of that exam table


There when the ultrasound was silent

There when our daughter said I hate you, you were never my parents and I am going back to foster care


There when I was crying and hating myself


There when I hit a brick wall of emotions that fluctuated from rage to hysteria.
 
There when the police came to my door and said call your Uncle Raymond, it's an emergency

There when I called my Uncle and he said your Daddy shot himself. He's gone

He never left me.

EVER

I left God, but He never left me


Not one bottle, person, pill or any other earthly thing will be THERE for you like God.
amen

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Be still or flip-flop . The choice is yours

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Ashley . Lord today we lift Ashley up to you. I ask that you keep her sweet family safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Ashley hearing that small still voice and offering me me a  scripture from you  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.

 OK, so Ashley suggested Exodus 14:14

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.

Still- quiet, silent, stationary, motionless, calm
 



When I struggle the last thing I want to hear is be still.

Yesterday as I was on Lake Hernando fishing.  I caught myself telling the bass I had hooked: Be still buddy, let me get this hook out and you can be free. He flipped, he fought me, he spun around wildly.

 
Finally I grabbed hold of him and held him firm and unset the hook and gently lowered him in the water free and delivered from the hook that had snared him.


Ain't that just like us?  God will do all the work if we just STOP flippin' and floppin'. All He asks in return is for us to be motionless, calm down, be quiet and take a breath.

Be stationary.
Be present.
Just breath.
In and out.
Some days that is all we can do.
Just breath.

The Lord will overcome our obstacles by speaking to us in a still small voice.
If you are spinning out of control it's more difficult to catch.
If we are moaning and groaning we will miss it.
Pray and talk to the Lord.
Pray for others.
Just pray.

I know for certain if you just be still he will FREE you and set you back out to continue on your way.


Amen.

Monday, April 20, 2015

His Promises...

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Melissa . Lord today we lift Melissa up to you. I ask that you keep her sweet family safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Melissa hearing that small still voice and offering me me a  scripture from you  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.

 OK, so Melissa suggested Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10
Journal Entry 4/18/15

* Do not fear...when you do not hear the heartbeat in an ultrasound
* I am with you ... as you lay on the table wondering why me again Lord?
* I will strengthen  you and help you... when you fall to your knees in grief
* I will hold you... when you want to go to sleep and never wake up

I did not remember his promises when I had to return from that ultrasound empty handed, no picture of a baby being in my womb.

 I did not remember his promises when I had to return to that office and sit amongst a dozen happy women with swollen bellies.

 I could not hear his still small voice as I lay on the examination table listening to the thump, thump, thump of a healthy baby heartbeat in the next exam room and the laughter of the happy parents of that baby.

I did not remember his promises as I went to the hospital to have a mass removed that had caused not one but two miscarriages.


But then I woke up in mid march and picked up my Bible, I reached out to others.

I remembered this promise: I will not leave you nor forsake you. That is God's promise.
WE forget HIS promises. BUT He NEVER forgets US. 



He was IN that ultrasound room.

He held me on that exam table.

He softened my heart to mourn the loss of another child.

He kept me alive when I did not want to live.

He holds my babies IN HEAVEN, and I will meet them and spend eternity with them.



Amen