Can I ask you are personal question?

Can I ask you a personal question?


Well my friends when you are sitting in a salon chair with sharp objects fluttering around your cranium this is always an interesting question.....

Let me back up a bit...yesterday was a scheduled "ME" day. Do you have ME days, or shall I say YOU days? You know days that a person takes all to themselves and just gets all refreshed and renewed etc?  OK....well once a week I take a me day. It's not a whole day but from 10-2 I get to be ME! So I got the children off to school I started to make my plans. I wanted to get a haircut, eat something and maybe hit a thrift store. This may not sound very exciting to you but for me this is divine!

So out I go to accomplish task number one. Haircut. I had a hard time choosing a salon, I normally go to a friend but today I was workin off the cuff so I chose a fancy schmancy new salon right up the street.
Lesson Number ONE: never judge a book (salon) by it's glossy, chevron and turquoise cover.
Lesson Number TWO: never ever EVER enter a salon for a precision short hair cut when it looks like a foil factory....everyone had Barbie hair and aluminum foil....

Yes girls...I should have known better...but my inner Tracy wanted to be pampered. It was a new salon and so well, chic.
Lesson Number THREE: If they don't look at the picture you brought in with more than a passing glance RUN....I want that sucker taped to the mirror. You hear?

I WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL---------------this is what this blog is screaming. Just had to say that, thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
ME day is about ME feeling special. :)

So back to the chair....
I am sitting in the chair and this young gal with the personality of a slug on Valium begins to cut my hair. She's doing an OK job meaning she is probably not 1rst, 2nd or even 3rd chair. she is new. O my heavens...I got the new girl......HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP....still , it is too late to run now. The cape is on. I am in for the long haul.

So as she starts cutting the stylist at the next station says: Excuse me, May I ask you a personal question?

O MY GOSH....here we go.....now my brain is going a mile a minute ....do I know her...does she know someone that knows me...o GOSH....does she know MY FRIEND that cuts my hair. I am SO BUSTED!

I say, sure....what's up?

She says: Do you regret getting tattoos?

Me: HUGE sigh of RELIEF

...this question I know the answer to, it has been asked soooo many times it's like. B O R I N G (said in my best teenager voice)

Me: Well yes and no. Some of my choices yes, having them no. They are a part of who I am. Each one represents a chapter in my life. They are me.

Foilmaker woman: oh, cool. Cuz I am going to get a sleeve on my arm and boss just wants to kill me.
(then she turns back to making the blond next to me blonder)

So for some people that would have been one hot second that they did not blog about...but for me I found it burning in my head this morning when I woke up, the creative juices were flowing and it needed to be put out there....

There are many moments in life where we "walk in" and the gut feeling is run, get out, go back to where it's comfy and yummy and soft...do not STAY here. THEY will make your head looks like a box....but you stay. You settle in and you relax. There is a reason for you to be there. Sit back and let God take over. He has a plan. I just roll with it!

So after surviving an overpriced head choppin I ventured across the street for some Goodwill retail therapy. After trying on 30 items I found two. It was worth it. As I checked out I realized my oldest called me ----right at lunch time! (no surprise there) So I ran home and grabbed my 22 year old baby boy. He knows what Me day means....It means WE day :) So we ate....and it was good.

So after 22 years of being a Mom I still have not mastered the "ME" Day. The Time to Myself. But the bits I do get are good.

It could have been worse.....check this poor girl out: Curling Iron Tutorial

Until next time , walk bravely, pay attention to your gut and don't fall for glossy covers!

Have a Blessed Day ya'll!

Father God, it's been 3 months since my last confe...I mean Post.

Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. - Bette Davis in All About Eve (1950)

So it has REALLY been 3 months since my last blog. I have a great excuse. We have been growing a child. Adopting an orphan. But most of all we have been walking with the Lord. We were called and we showed up. We have learned that we are ENOUGH. We are REDEEMED. We cannot change Ambriel, BUT we can change the way we react to Ambriel.

So I will break it down a tiny bit so you can understand what it has been like in the Niles household for the last three months. First some photos...so you really get the picture!

Yes. When you parent a hurt child you pull your hair out a LOT...sometimes they pull your hair out. But most of all at the end of the day...you feel like a tornado hit your hometown. Where do you start.

Where do you start? I am not a professional....but I play one every day in my very own home. Here is where I start:

Cry out to Jesus. Yes. I do NOT call my Mom. I do NOT  call the Social Worker. I do NOT call anyone until I have spoken to GOD. My counselor. He knows my heart. HE knows our daughter's heart. He has Got this.

WE pray . WE wait. But most of all We LISTEN. We walk blindly in faith. We say NO to things that we REALLY want to do, so that we can say YES to adoption. Just this month my husband and I accepted two different ministry positions and one week later had to step OUT of them. Why? I will tell you why, God said so.

Let's break down the last three months....here is a peak into our tiny world:
January: Discovered that our daughter is hilarious after nitrous oxide (dentist appt) .
Our daughters decided to have a sleepover - together- they both survived!
Bryan and I took a weekend away to a local bed and breakfast. It was wonderful!
We were yelled at and begged to quit on her, then I was physically attacked.
We took both girls to a spa salon for young ladies!
We prayed.
that's 5 days...and there are 31 in January. But we still had people tell us how great Ambriel is coming along!
February: We had a small flood in the backyard when our daughter left the hose on.
She got Honor Roll.
She started new meds and told us she feel like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.
We signed her up for softball.
She helped Cora rearrange her room.
She told us after her birthday comes she is leaving.
We prayed.
That's 6 days of our life and there were 29 days in Feb. :)
March:
She gave her life story at a Bethany Christian adoptive parent training
She broke a door. We tried to have her admitted to a residential facility due to behavioural issues.
We hit our 6 month mark for her placement in our home!
We celebrated her birthday :)
We went on a family retreat to a monastery.
We wanted to quit.
We prayed.
that's 5 days....and there were 31 in March.
April: now remember we are not even finished! :)
We did not quit.
She travelled to Florida with her last set of foster parents and her Brother.
We signed the Order for adoption
She asked us to "unsign" the order of adoption.
She created a costume for Cora that represented a career for a project.
She achieved Honor Roll.
She called me a Bitch
Her medicines have been changed.
 
This is a sample of our life. Together my husband and I have 4 children. This daughter would be enough to keep us busy. However we have one 22 year old daughter who has disappeared up in Richmond and is deciding not to return phone calls, emails or texts. We also have a 22 year old son who in living out back over our garage. He works and pays his bills and would love to go to Africa to work with orphans, but I have not had one hot minute to sit with him and discuss HOW we will get him there! Then we have our 6 year old daughter who braves the sun and the rain and the thunder and the snow that is our life. She is the one to follow. She leads by example. Hugging her sister and helping her throughout her day.
All of our children are a godsend. They each challenge us in their own unique way! If I had to compare each one to a cartoon character they would be:

Zac: forever young and always with a skateboard

Morgan: studious, wise, in the background!

,

Cora: Bouncy, joyful, always on the GO!

Ambriel: Brave, Skilled, Beautiful

so there you have it. But wait. If Bryan and I were super heroes we would be:

Wonder Twins! :) in the form of an ice slide! :) this is how we roll in our house. We are united. We follow God. We love our supportive friends and family. WE will get thru this. Our family is growing....so if we miss a call or a birthday party, we don't mean to...we are just a tiny bit busy growing a girl from 0-13!
Thank you all for your prayers and love!
Tracy

Lowering the Bar

OK folks,
it has been a while since I last Blogged. Nearly a month.
So welcome, Happy New Year and I pray that you all had a great Christmas and were blessed in many ways.
Many of you know we are smack dab in the middle of an adoption. We have a 12 year old young lady from VA Foster Care placed in our home and we will adopt her in March 2013. She has waited over 7 years for a forever home. This placement has been awesome, scary, nuts, ridiculous, tiring and super all at once. When accepting a child into your home that comes from a "hard Place" you ask for nothing.

You LOWER the Bar-
this is the favorite thing I hear at my therapy sessions with a great man who specializes in attachment therapy. What is attachment therapy? well I am so glad you ask....
you see...there is this koala ....just kidding.
here is the lowdown: http://attachmenttherapy.com/ad.htm read that! :) Our dear daughter to be suffered from RAD- which is this: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988 So you get the picture of what we are dealing with.
I prefer to call our DD (dear daughter) a great push and puller. Basically you never know what you are going to get. a push or a pull. one second it's I love you. the next it's I hate you.
Now in month one it was lovey dovey and lots of testing. meaning...how far can I push the limits of your parental boundaries. Month one is dicey and also known as the honey moon period.  you are getting to know this child. What they like, what they don't like, clothing tastes, musical tastes. well it's blind dating at it's best. Then as they say on MTV. Shit gets real. yes I cursed. yes I will beg my Father God for forgiveness. But he is working on me with this very issue as we speak!
So poop gets REAL REAL in the second month. Check this equation:
New house, new parents, new siblings, new school, new neighborhood, new church....can it get any worse...oh wait New therapist, New RULES. there it got worse. All those rules she ok'd in month one...Well now those rules are ridiculous. WE are the worst parents in the world. We are not ready to parent...(please know that we have experience in child rearing- we have 2 twenty-one year old children and one 5 year old) She hates me (the Mom) I take all the heat. I get kicked, spit at, punched, slammed, locked out etc. I am the worst mother on earth. But I still keep loving her. Also in the month friends start looking at you strange. You forget to shave and you are constantly cancelling things due to meltdowns. We lower the bar. Expect less and allow for compromises.

Month 3 you basically keep the social worker on speed dial. I am very pleased that we chose Bethany Christan Services, our worker is our advocate. When SS does not answer She always answers. She comes and sits with us as our DD rips up the "meet our family" book that we lovingly made for her. (note to self: never use original pics use copies) whew! She made a one inch ticker tape parade all over the house. Simply ripping it up, putting it in her mouth, spitting it out. then got scissors and tore it up even smaller. for hours we sat while the worker talked to her. When it was all done at 1am I stood up, swept it up made her bed and tucked her in. all the while she asked to be put in a respite stay, or go to the hospital for a "break" I said. sorry. in this house we don't do respite. we do REAL. we work it out and we move on. So that was a very big battle. I think it ended well. She is still here. Normally the last 4 adoptions that disrupted were ended by people being overwhelmed by her physically acting out etc. So what do we do. well. we don't listen to other people who give WACK ideas ....or say I would have beat the living "#$%" out of her. You put the door knobs back on, or put the doors back on...haha, you clean up . But most of all YOU LOWER the BAR (again) AND you Expect LESS and allow for compromises.

Month 4. we are in month four and something alarming is happening. I am having a hard time finding anything to write in the "behaviour" journal. I am getting crafty at ending sibling fights. I am raising the level of LOVE as well as extending more responsibility. I say yes more often than no. The joy is coming back. We make appts now and get to them ON time. The calls from school have gone from 5 in one day to one in a month. I have circled the wagons. All professionals in her life are on the same page. I am directly in charge of placing boundaries in her life that keep her from getting overwhelmed. I know what smells make her "flashback" to old times. I know why she needs tight clothing to make her feel safe. I know that her prayers have changed from I want and God please make my Mom say yes to praying for others in need and "getting it" All this in 4 months. What if we had quit? What if we had called and said THIS is TOO MUCH. What if? I have simply let God lead me. I have stepped out in TRUE faith and NOT listened to logic. My husband and I are a team. He says it is very very difficult to go to work and know what I must pull off in a day to make this house run smooth the minute both girls walk in. My older children still look at me like: are you gonna listen to that? or where in the world did this girl come from. But they also know that if anyone can pull this off their Momma can!

Many moons ago it seems we sat down with an elder in my church. She asked us this question. Why in the world would you want to invite a mentally disturbed child into your home? I have to say when It first came out of her mouth I was livid. We had not even met this child and I had the motherly instinct to smack the living crap out of this woman that I looked up to. But as usual I did not "heed that warning" I proceeded without caution. I proceeded with GOD.
We did it because that is what God calls us to do. We heard him. He told us. We did it.

Galatians 6:9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

God Bless ya'll,
Tracy

Meditation for the Day

Thinking about God in love and worship drives away evil. It is
the thought before that the hosts of evil flee. The thought of
a Power greater than yourself is the call for a life-line to
rescue you from temptation. The thought of God banishes
loneliness and dispels gloom. it summons help to conquer your
faults. Think of God as often as possible. Use the thought
prayerfully and purposefully. It will carry your thoughts away
from material things and toward the spiritual things that make
life worthwhile.



The above meditation hit home for me  on June 17, 2011. And yet when I dust it off today it really feels relevant. With this Christmas fast approaching we all feel the pressures. Whether they be to decorate, bake 1,000 cookies, get the "right" holiday picture, or buy too many presents.

What I want to feel this season is LOVE, JOY, PEACE and HOPE. So all of the above will be set aside so I can worship and praise God for giving his SON to us. So I could be forgiven and speak God's truth into other's lives.

have a simply awesome day. I suggest you do nothing. and smile as you get away with it!

May God Bless ya'll!

Tracy

the 4th step...again

 

So. I am co-leading a recovery group and guess what step is next. Step 4. Each time I study a step I think to myself. Man...this one is a doozy...but the next one is as well! :) Love walking through the steps with a new set of eyes!

here is what A.A. says about 4th steppin' it:

"But in A.A. we slowly learned that something had to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot, we turned people against us. We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it."

God Bless ya'll,
Tracy

being a victim

ahhhh. being a victim.

dusted this off from June 2011

This was  a meditation for the day back in June 2011. words of wisdom for anyone "breathing today"

I am not a victim of others, but rather a victim of my expectations, choices and dishonesty. When I expect others to be what I want them to be and not who they are, when they fail to meet my expectations, I am hurt. When my choices are based on self-centeredness, I find I am lonely and distrustful. I gain confidence in myself, however, when I practice honesty in all my affairs. When I search my motives and am honest and trusting, I am aware of the capacity for harm in situations and can avoid those that are harmful.
perhaps I do need a meeting....

Here and today in 2012 I choose to walk in Faith with my Savior Jesus Christ. Good or Bad he gets me through.

I hope you can walk with the Lord. And if you do God Bless you.

30 days ....real time.....adoption

So many people have asked us how is the adoption going?
I think it's going fantastic. Now if you asked the tween we are adopting she would tell you otherwise!
A year ago today we were going to " adoption classes" . Today we are 30 days into 180 days of adoption. The trial period if you will. But as soon as the paint was dry on the hot pink walls and the last tote of miscellaneous have nots was moved in it was done. I don't need papers to say I am a Mom. My heart breaks for a child who has been disappointed over and over and over again for 12 years. The abuse/neglect did not end when she was taken from her birth parents, not the first time, nor the second.
The hurts continued. In the form of many placements, residential centers, disrupted adoptions because people could not put up with what she put out.

Failure after failure after failure. Ball dropped...too many times to count. So here we sit with a grenade. A fine product of the foster care system. Full of anger, unhealthy habits and doubt. What do you do with a grenade...well there are two choices.
First choice is you run. You run for you life. You save yourself and you let that grenade blow up all by itself. You let it destroy whatever is around it...but you save YOU.

Second choice is you hover over that grenade and you blow up with it. When the big bang is over you look around, dust yourself off and pick up the pieces and carry on. A bit scarred...but you have learned something. You become aware of yourself and all the things that you thought were right and you make changes , quick!

The best part about choosing the second method is you get to do this over and over and over again until you look back at your past life, life BEFORE adoption and think. Wow. we had it good. Or you smack yourself and realize that God is pruning you. For MAJOR growth. You start to worry, will I do more harm to this child? You read and reread EVERY book under the sun. You call your social worker more than your best friend. And you Pray. a LOT.

Then you wake up and do it again the next day. But the grenade is a little weaker the next time. It still hurts when it blows up. But you got this. You are a seasoned veteran. The things you see in your house make others roll their eyes, or say " you know what I would do?" well guess what that's why Jesus put me right here. Right smack in the middle of enemy territory. He is growing me.Growing my husband, Growing our other children. We will have huge hearts, filled with empathy.

I have a friend Becky who has a shirt that I love.
It reads:
I will go to War for my family.
I get the shirt.
Adoption is not for everyone. But if you have FAITH in God it's the Bomb! :)  

God Bless