Friday, April 24, 2015

I left...but He never left me.

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Geri . Lord today we lift Geri  up to you. I ask that you keep her sweet family safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Geri hearing that small still voice and offering me me a  scripture from you  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.


 OK, so Geri suggested Matthew 28:20

And teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age.

Teaching to obey everything. Life's trials do just that either you are listening and learning or you are ignoring God's promises and getting LOST.

When I entered my "dark period" not as an "artiste" but as a broken hearted Momma, I had forgotten to simply follow the law of the Lord.

This verse says: Surely I am with you always. That meant even as I hid from God and pushed and kicked like a tantruming child he was there.

There when I sat on the end of that exam table


There when the ultrasound was silent

There when our daughter said I hate you, you were never my parents and I am going back to foster care


There when I was crying and hating myself


There when I hit a brick wall of emotions that fluctuated from rage to hysteria.
 
There when the police came to my door and said call your Uncle Raymond, it's an emergency

There when I called my Uncle and he said your Daddy shot himself. He's gone

He never left me.

EVER

I left God, but He never left me


Not one bottle, person, pill or any other earthly thing will be THERE for you like God.
amen

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Be still or flip-flop . The choice is yours

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Ashley . Lord today we lift Ashley up to you. I ask that you keep her sweet family safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Ashley hearing that small still voice and offering me me a  scripture from you  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.

 OK, so Ashley suggested Exodus 14:14

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.

Still- quiet, silent, stationary, motionless, calm
 



When I struggle the last thing I want to hear is be still.

Yesterday as I was on Lake Hernando fishing.  I caught myself telling the bass I had hooked: Be still buddy, let me get this hook out and you can be free. He flipped, he fought me, he spun around wildly.

 
Finally I grabbed hold of him and held him firm and unset the hook and gently lowered him in the water free and delivered from the hook that had snared him.


Ain't that just like us?  God will do all the work if we just STOP flippin' and floppin'. All He asks in return is for us to be motionless, calm down, be quiet and take a breath.

Be stationary.
Be present.
Just breath.
In and out.
Some days that is all we can do.
Just breath.

The Lord will overcome our obstacles by speaking to us in a still small voice.
If you are spinning out of control it's more difficult to catch.
If we are moaning and groaning we will miss it.
Pray and talk to the Lord.
Pray for others.
Just pray.

I know for certain if you just be still he will FREE you and set you back out to continue on your way.


Amen.

Monday, April 20, 2015

His Promises...

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Melissa . Lord today we lift Melissa up to you. I ask that you keep her sweet family safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Melissa hearing that small still voice and offering me me a  scripture from you  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.

 OK, so Melissa suggested Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10
Journal Entry 4/18/15

* Do not fear...when you do not hear the heartbeat in an ultrasound
* I am with you ... as you lay on the table wondering why me again Lord?
* I will strengthen  you and help you... when you fall to your knees in grief
* I will hold you... when you want to go to sleep and never wake up

I did not remember his promises when I had to return from that ultrasound empty handed, no picture of a baby being in my womb.

 I did not remember his promises when I had to return to that office and sit amongst a dozen happy women with swollen bellies.

 I could not hear his still small voice as I lay on the examination table listening to the thump, thump, thump of a healthy baby heartbeat in the next exam room and the laughter of the happy parents of that baby.

I did not remember his promises as I went to the hospital to have a mass removed that had caused not one but two miscarriages.


But then I woke up in mid march and picked up my Bible, I reached out to others.

I remembered this promise: I will not leave you nor forsake you. That is God's promise.
WE forget HIS promises. BUT He NEVER forgets US. 



He was IN that ultrasound room.

He held me on that exam table.

He softened my heart to mourn the loss of another child.

He kept me alive when I did not want to live.

He holds my babies IN HEAVEN, and I will meet them and spend eternity with them.



Amen

Thursday, April 16, 2015

This ain't two steppin' ...it's ONE steppin'

.
A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Natasha . Lord today we lift Natasha up to you. I ask that you keep her sweet family safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Natasha hearing that small still voice and offering me me a  scripture from you  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.


 OK, so Natasha suggested Isaiah 43: 18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland... Isaiah 43: 18-19
 
This picture was taken during my darkest times.
 





Former- earlier, past

dwell- hold up, hinder , stop to hold up or stop oneself

springs up- to grow or develop, to rise up above surrounding objects

perceive- comprehend, observe, recognize, grasp mentally

The past can lock us up in our minds and keep us running on a track to nowhere. Things that hurt or confuse us earlier in life many times become a trigger on our daily life. Some are good memories, a scent of Nana's perfume but for some smells, places and times of year can be bad. Growing up with an alcoholic Dad meant unpredictable days or nights. When I was in the process of grieving his death I realized that yet again he had done the unpredictable . I am not however in control of his actions. I am only in control of my REACTIONS.
This chair reminded me of how lonely my Dad must have been trapped in his Alcholism


To dwell on the why's or how's of life's hard situations will only hold up and hinder progress towards self growth and the AWESOME future God has in store for YOU. While we can't Stop BAD things can we ? To dwell is to hold up God's calling on your life. This is not a call to actions to "get over" things or "move on" ! This is a plea to work thru them step by step with God guiding you. It may take days or it may take years!
Caught this fish for my Dad! :)


The newness of your life will show in personal growth. As you develop yourself in God's will it is life changing. A metamorphosis from the old you to a new you. Rise up, take God's hand. No matter your surroundings he will set you atop of them with a better view.
God put this smile on my face. His grace is sufficient!


Three years ago I would never have been able to mentally grasp filing for relief of custody in our current adoption. But God is walking our broken, wounded hearts right through the process. ONE STEP AT A TIME.

It's not easy to comprehend. But it's not your walk. It's ours.

amen.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Rested, Delivered and Saved

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Marti . Lord today we lift Marti up to you. I ask that you keep her safe and that her life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Marti hearing that small still voice and offering me not one but two scriptures from our  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.


 OK, so Marti suggested Psalm 118:6-8

The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. 
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. 
For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling...

Now for the Tracy breakdown and with a little help from my good old 1985 Webster's dictionary here we go...

simple hearted: unsophisticated in nature, sincere

saved: rescued, to help, kept from danger

delivered: set free, transfer, hand over

rest- refreshment, peace of mind, emotional calm, tranquility

God has been protecting me my entire life. No only does he protect the simple hearted but in MY case, the simple minded. He really has saved me in many scrapes and tough situations. I have been rescued by him from people who have wished to harm me. He has saved me from the danger I put myself in when drinking. He helped me help myself when I could not grasp sobriety.

 With the loss of my Dad and the miscarriage of two babies; I had to set free the anger and resentment that I harbored towards God and others for the losses I had experienced.

 I had to transfer and hand over to God the daughter who refuses to accept our family. I then had to pray as everyone said  to me: "Just REST" in the Lord. When I was finally able to truly LET IT ALL GO to God I felt genuine refreshment.

 It took time away on retreat by myself and even short DAILY retreats to gain some peace of mind as well as the emotional calm & tranquility that I so badly needed and desired.


 It took time. It came. He delivered. 

amen. 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Loss x Four = Growth

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Marti . Lord today we lift Marti up to you. I ask that you keep her safe and that her life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Marti hearing that small still voice and offering me a Word from our  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.


 OK, so Marti suggested Psalm 42:11
 
Why are you so downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me ?  Put your hope in God, For I will yet praise him, my savior and my God.  Psalm 42:11


Tracy Translation and Breakdown provided with wisdom from my good old Webster's dictionary. 

downcast: sad, discouraged, dejected

disturbed- agitated, confused, interrupted, made anxious

praise- glorify, commend, approve, to laud the glory of in song

Savior- a person who saves, Jesus Christ

I was sad from the loss of two babies. I was feeling dejected about an adoption that was self imploding. I was discouraged with my inability to "hold" it together for that entire time and the months leading up to it. I felt like life had been interrupted.


 My Dad committed suicide yet the world kept turning, dinners had to be cooked and laundry piled up to be washed. I was agitated by my inability to let go, move on or even grieve in a healthy manner. 

Confused by my lack of emotion, many pushed away or stood back in the shadows not knowing what to do for me. Yet God was there waiting for me to push into him. 


My life was chaos and the unpredictability of our adoptive child left me anxious. The violence and trauma she created was too much. Anxiety trapped me in my own head. the enemy had control. 

In turn I would open my Bible and skim the words. I would mumble along in church making feeble attempts to praise God when only choked back sobs could escape my vocal chords. In a time meant to commend God for His blessings, I was not even able to lip sync. 

Alas, Jesus is my savior. He knows exactly what I need when I need it. He allowed me to push far back away. But in turn he held me even closer. He surrounded me with friends and family that allowed me to see through the darkness and I was able to visualize hope. 

For that I am eternally grateful. Thank you Jesus. 

amen. 



Thursday, April 9, 2015

Failing and loving it.

A while ago I asked my friends on Facebook to give me a go to scripture. I was weary, burdened, my heart hurt and my emotions were so very low. Over 25 friends took time to respond and in no particular order I am meditating on the scriptures that they shared and also praying for them at the same time. 

So first will you join me and pray for my friend Donna  . Lord  we lift Donna and her sweet family up to you. I ask that you keep them safe and that their life be filled with love and laughter. I praise you for Donna hearing that small still voice and offering me a Word from our  Lord in my time of need.  I thank you for her faithfulness and prayers. Amen.

 OK, so Donna suggested: Psalm 73:25-26

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73: 25-26




Heaven: place of great beauty & pleasure. the place where God and his Angels are. 

desire: to wish or long for , a request

fail: fall short, to be unsuccessful in obtaining a desired end. 

strength: the power to resist, toughness, durability, strong source of support


We must remember that importance does not lie with Earthly things- our answer is in Heaven with God and the Angels. Eternity is much longer than this hot minute we are spending on Earth. Daily I tend to rely on myself and get disappointed when I fail and fall short of personal goals or something does not work out to my self satisfaction. What I do not realize is God is in charge. God has a plan and it's NOT MY PLAN. 


I often can be heard saying Life is what happens when you make plans. or my favorite: Rejection is God's protection. So I need to remember that there is a positive side to "failing"! 




I am often asked, "How can you be so strong in this difficult time in your life? I say I am weak but He is my strength. He instills in me the power to resist self doubt. He supplies me with protection and support to survive these earthly battles. I am not winning. God is winning. 




amen.