Tuesday, August 27, 2013


Many many moons ago, in a A.A. meeting somewhere...I learned an interesting Acronym.
H is for HUNGRY...

lately I have been hungry. Sadly for "comfort foods" . Junk. coffee. ice cream. chips. spoons of peanut butter. cookies. cupcakes. gross stuff. stuff that does not GROW in the ground. all joking aside. I have found that my life is RUNNING so fast...I skip breakfast. Then it's lunch time and I am STARVING------and being starving makes me ANGRY.
look, I get up at 6:30 am every morning. I FEED the dogs, I FEED the guinea pig. I medicate myself and FEED the kid. Then I pack the kids LUNCH/SNACK for camp....all this food flying by and I do NOT take one hot minute to FEED myself. This is my fault. So when I am hungry I get Angry....

A is for Angry...

when I am angry I do NOT honor people around me. shoot, I do not even honor myself. My potty mouth comes back, I ask more WHY than WHY NOTS. I become small and petulant like a toddler. Imagine that. A 42 year old toddler. Good grief. No one should have to witness that. But the people I love the most encounter that little hot mess quite often.  When you walk around angry all the time you become SOLO. So Low that no one wants to hang out with you. Angry = LONELY

L is for Lonely...

Lonely is horrible. sometimes it's good to be alone. But being LONELY is horrible. you want people around you, but your attitude towards life drives them away. you want to stop. yet you just keep rollin' on the hate train. I have been lonely in a room FULL of people. I have been lonely being held by my beloved husband. I have been lonely after saying something hurtful to my child and watching them walk away. Being lonely is very trying on a soul. We are built to fellowship and connect with others. But sometimes taking that step out of the door, room or out of the DRIVEWAY is hard. Lonely is a liar. it wants you to stay home and cultivate it...dont' ....run from Lonely. find someone with an ear and let it OUT!

T is for tired....

rest is something that escapes me. although I should be the most rested person on earth. one of my children is in camp for 8 hours a day. two of my children are young adults, one of which is getting ready to leave for Africa. one of my children is in a residential facility. they say. Rest , care for yourself, she is in a safe place. Well , if the insurance companies, therapy appointments and endless phone calls would REST then so would I! I must keep going and sometimes do...from 6:30 am-11 at night. that is a long day. add that with some improper eating, bad moods, isolation and you have a recipe for disaster.
That disaster can be falling prey to illness...or relapsing into my addiction to alcohol. Last week I fell flat on my face. I did NOT HALT. I pressed on. I pushed too hard. I got put in the corner...and nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Raising children is hard. Raising them and letting go is harder. Adopting one that fights you tooth and nail...well now that is the HARDEST thing I have ever done.

But if I don't care for myself...HOW can I care for others? I must feed myself, physically and spiritually AND emotionally. Be happy. Happy happy happy. like that crazy bearded guy from that crazy show

. not happy about my life. just happy where I am. Happy with what I have. I must connect. NOT just with my children and spouse but with my girlfriends and more importantly with myself. As a Mother I have lost a bit of my "self" . I need to commit to finding what makes Tracy happy. I must get sleep. Not just 9.25 hours recommended by Dr. whozywhattzitface....but rest in the peace that God has this. I don't. Game over Tracy. this is not Pac Man and you are not going to win. Cease. Sit. Be Still. words I need to say DAILY to myself. (and most days FAIL) .

So on I go. with the path I have chosen. and that path is God. There is no easy way. no reset button. I have to learn to live NOW. I have to learn how to LOVE now. I am mad, mad as hell. This was not what I envisioned. Why, just yesterday I saw a teenage girl and her Mom shopping in Walmart...all smiley and laughing over cute outfits and I want to smack the hell out of them. I WANT MY HAPPY!!!!

Instead, I am bring clothing without strings, bras without wire and body wash without Alcohol as the FIRST THREE ingredients to my daughter. I have creepy comb over wearing doctors telling me what I should have SAID. sweet crimson. for real. I try and so far have succeeded at NOT dropping the F BOMB in a family session. I have NEVER hung up on this raging child. Although she has BEAT me to the punch 6 times...but who is counting.

Hugs are stiff. Love you's are forced. I refuse to buy the game Sorry and bring it to visiting day. I will not SELL out to this crazy residential normal. you know why?????BECAUSE it's NOT my normal. What the hell do I do? Hang up her "awards" from residential...such as:
most 100 point days on the unit
cleanest room
Safe award.
for real. sweet crackers. this is the girl who tried to EAT me like a big mac.

so for now. I will focus on me. Heal me. Forgive. with NO strings attached. water her cactus and pray.
all I can do is pray.
I read The BOOK. He has this. so again. I hit send...and give it to GOD.
So today my anthem is this song! Go ahead. play it. sing it with me.

God Bless ya'll,