I can't remember the last time I blogged. My heart was ripped open yesterday by one simple question. So perhaps this will be a rant of sorts which is NOT my style but I need to let it out.
I sat down this morning and painted it out but I am still reeling so here goes.
I am fat. This is self inflicted due to comfort eating and lack of exercise mixed with coming very near my middle age of 45 and grief.
Now just typing that made me absolutely exhausted.
Clothes. too tight. Underwear. forget them fitting. Budget for new clothing. non existent. so I thrift store for skirts. Thighs stick together: wear cut off leggings. Dressing comfortably not for the public . But for me. Just about to feel comfortable with who I am and then a person sidles up to me and asks THE question. when is the due date.
due date? for what? oooooooooooooooooo I get it. just because I am wearing a blouse that does not show every detail of my torso and my skirt is below my ankles I must be with child? Dear me. how do you even answer that mess? I said; I am not pregnant. The great oh shit look covers the persons face.
Now women. come ON. if you have not gotten a baby shower invite. a blessed announcement and you are not my OBGYN do NOT take it upon yourselves to assume . ASSUME that I am pregnant.
you suck. that is all. thanks for coming back later and saying...sorry if I insulted you. My smile was fake. I was dying inside. In this world where I don't even feel politically correct calling my own damn self fat well. geez. thanks for the apology. my entire world just feel apart and I really accept your insolent apology. whatever. carry on.
seriously if you are a woman reading this NEVER EVER ask your friend if she is pregnant. I personally will throat punch the next chick that asks me. Consider the public warned.
Over the last 2 years I have lost my Dad to suicide. Two unborn children to miscarriage and now we are suffering a disruption of adoption of epic proportions. To say I am a woman on edge is well....I am. a big fat mess of emotions. Perhaps being on the front lines of welcoming others to church is not my forte' right now. perhaps stuffing envelopes is more up my alley. Alphabetizing something . For the love of GOD. Is anyone on this train with me. It's lonely sitting here being an audience of one.
Can I get an Amen for pushing back on the face of mankind for a moment. I am having A moment. I deserve to have A moment. I pray to my God above that this Moment will pass. But damn. It is hanging out like a boy who does not get the message. shoo....get going. Perhaps this moment is like that cat you feed on your front porch. It won't budge. keeps coming back for more. getting fatter and fatter until an uneducated comment pops THE moment and it goes FLYING all over the room like a helium balloon.....eventually deflating and coming to a rest in The Corner.
I am not dwelling on the past. It just keeps flooding me tsunami style over and over at random times. Grief is like a drive by shooting. Random. Or like the waves that batter you over and over until you get just past them...only to have to return and go back through them to get back to the safety of the beach. Gasping for air and muscles burning.
Hate , anger it all rolls in and out like the tide. Sadness , fear , love...all a flood of emotions with no rhyme or reason set off by a word, a question or a well. . . by nothing. Nothing at all. simply set off by a moment of silence.
So as I sit here and grieve. let me. just sit. and please ladies. stop asking stupid questions. thank you. for the sake of all womankind. let's not do each other in. OK?